“Why Can’t I Sleep?” The real reasons and what can help
Ever wondered why some people can fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow…while you lie there wide awake?
You know that feeling.
You’ve gone to bed at a reasonable time. You’re exhausted. You want to sleep.
But your brain has other plans. Now, apparently, is the perfect time to replay that embarrassing thing you did in your teens. Rehearse what you should have said to your patronising colleague. Or play out every possible problem that could arise tomorrow - and everyday after that.
And next to you?
Your partner is fast asleep. Deep, undisturbed, as if not a care in the world.
You feel frustrated and alone. Then the thought creeps in, “What’s wrong with me?”.
Let me first reassure you of the most important thing…
Nothing is ‘wrong’ with you!
Struggling with sleep doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. Sleep isn’t an on/off switch that some people have and others don’t.
It’s a natural - but complex - neurobiological process shaped by multiple factors. And that means there are many reasons why sleep can become difficult.
Let’s break it down.
Understanding what influences sleep: The 3 Ps
A helpful way to make sense of sleep difficulties is Spielman’s well-established 3Ps Model (1), which explains why issues develop and persist through three key factors:
1 - Predisposing factors - your baseline vulnerability
2 - Precipitating factors - what triggers the problem
3 - Perpetuating factors - what keeps it going
Most people I work with recognise themselves in all three.
1) Predisposing Factors: Your baseline vulnerability
Some people are more prone to difficulties sleeping - and that’s not their fault.
Research shows links between insomnia and:
Genetics (yes you can blame your parents a little!)
Personality traits, such as worry, overthinking, perfectionism or heightened reactivity to stress
Early life experiences, including exposure to stress in the perinatal phase.
But having these ulnerabilities doesn’t mean you’re destined to a lifetime of struggling with sleep.
These factors alone don’t cause insomnia. But they can make switching off easily at night for sleep more challenging.
2) Precipitating Factors: What started it
Usually, there’s a tipping point - a time when sleep becomes disrupted.
This could be:
a cough, cold or illness
pain or a health condition
stressful life events such as moving house , changing job, or relationship difficulties
loss or emotional upheaval
biological changes like pregnancy or perimenopause
parenting children with expected and unexpected night-time awakenings.
In these moments, poor sleep makes sense. It would be unusual not to be affected.
3) Perpetuating Factors: Why it sticks around
Even after the trigger has passed, sleep may not bounce back.
Why? Because we naturally start trying harder in an attempt to fix it:
going to bed earlier to “catch up”
napping during the day
staying up later to avoid lying awake in bed
relying on caffeine to get through the day
avoiding exercise and socialising because you’re exhausted.
We can also become rigid about our routines, bedroom environment, or “must have” conditions for sleep. And sometimes we start to rely on medication or sleep aids.
Most importantly, we start to think differently about sleep:
“I’m a bad sleeper”
“I won’t cope tomorrow if I don’t sleep”
“My bed is where I struggle”
“I’m dreading the night”
Over time, our brain learns that bed = alert, creating a cycle that keeps the problem going.
How to retrain your sleep
The good news? You can break the cycle.
At The Sleep Shift I offer support based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBTi) - an evidence based approach that helps your brain and body relearn how to sleep naturally, without reliance on medication, products or rigid rules.
Together, we focus on reducing the pressure you feel around sleep, realigning your sleep with your life (not against it), and rebuilding your confidence in your ability to sleep.
This isn’t about perfection or strict routines. It’s about making realistic, sustainable shifts - without giving up what you love.
Whatever your genetics or personality, whatever triggered your sleep difficulties, and whatever habits, thoughts or feelings you now carry about sleep - you can learn to sleep well again.
So please remember; there’s nothing wrong with you.
With the right support, you can learn to trust your sleep rather than fight it.
If you’re ready to start your sleep shift, find out more about CBTi and The Sleep Shift approach here.
References:
(1) Spielman, A.J. et al. (1987). The 3P model of insomnia.